An Open Letter to Chuck Norris

I’m not going to apologize for this; this is going to be political. Russell and I are pretty politically liberal, by pretty I mean very. While we tend to be more radical than most in our beliefs, we always welcome opposing viewpoints, as long as they’re intelligent and respectful. I’ve become very good friends with folks who vehemently disagree with me, albeit the disagreement is usually followed by a healthy intake of alcohol. The point is, while we here at Lack of Command don’t want this to become a purely political blog, we certainly welcome the element.

That being said, I hate Chuck Norris. This has nothing to do with politics; it has everything to do with taste. He’s awful and I detest his work, whether it’s hawking exercise machines, flying a jet pack wearing cowboy boots, or getting his ass kicked by Bruce Lee, I’ve never liked the guy. I also never understood the worship of the guy. Even books like “Why Chuck Norris is Better Than You and Your Mom,” which are written with a slight tongue in cheek tone, piss me off. Chuck Norris sucks guys, sorry.

The other thing I can’t stand is political hack punditry. If your job is being a pundit for either side of the political aisle, you are not to be taken seriously. People who peddle opinion as fact, telling half-truths and over exaggerations in order to sell books/radio shows/TV shows/image are WAY too powerful for their own good.

So how does my hatred of Chuck Norris and political hacks intertwine? Easily, Chuck Norris is a political hack. He and notorious motivational list maker Lou Pritchett have written an Open Letter (Read: Everybody Else Will Read This BUT You) to President Obama, saying that he scares them. For all the “bad ass” that Chuck Norris is associated with, to be scared by a guy like Obama is pretty sad. I mean I was never scared of Bush (Cheney on the other hand,) and I’m a guy who scared of his own belly button.

So I will provide commentary on Mr. Norris’s letter, which is written in the Pritchett-style of “Writing Lists is Easier.”

President Obama:
You scare me because so many amazing corporate and American leaders, such as Lou Pritchett, are saying you scare them.

You scare me because this guy is telling me I should be scared? Look I love the Wu Tang Clan, but I am not going to be scared of something because Ghostface Killah tells me I should be.

You scare me because after you initiate more government borrowing and bailouts than all presidents combined, you then require Congress to follow a system that is "pay-as-you-go."

And the Iraq War was paid for with what? Stickers? BOTH parties have done the borrowing and bailouts for decades, but when Obama does it, that’s when it becomes frightening? The “pay as you go” system was repealed right before Bush took office, as a result the deficit increased over 400 billion dollars, but you probably missed that part too.

You scare me because you really do believe that going into massive amounts of debt can remedy our economy in the long run.

Right, and cutting spending during in the 30s made the depression disappear right? Oh wait, it got worse. I agree that massive unchecked spending can be a problem, note the key word, unchecked.

You scare me because your actions don't reflect the federal governmental constraints and fiscally prudent principles of our Founding Fathers and Constitution.

Really? Which Founding Father? Jefferson or Adams? Or Washington? Sure Madison and Jefferson were all for constraining the federal government, almost to a psychotic degree, but what about Adams (either of them?)

A little side rant here, this is the exact kind of political hack job I can’t stand, these self important talk show hosts and out of work actors don’t or won’t actually READ history. The Founding Fathers weren’t the Brady Bunch; they got into some real heated debates about over things like the constraints of the federal government. So to say that Obama is not reflecting the “Holy Principles” of the Founding Fathers is a silly over simplification of the Founding Fathers, and it turns what should be a real useful history lesson into just another brainless slogan from people who read backs of books and call it a day. Anyway, back to it.

You scare me because you repeatedly still play the blame game with the Bush administration but never blame the Clinton administration, even though it was responsible for the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac sub prime fiasco via the proliferation of loans to unqualified borrowers.

This I do agree with. As I’ve said, this orgy of deregulation didn’t start with Bush, hell it didn’t even start with “The Great Deregulator” Reagan. But again, this scares you why? That a politician is playing the loyalty card with his party? Does it scare you all the time or only when Democrats do it? We can’t all be mavericks.

You scare me because you buy and run the banking, automobile and (soon) health industries with taxpayers' money but refuse to call it socialism.

Probably because it isn’t socialism, the banks aren’t nationalized and Obama doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to do so. Would it stop scaring you if he did call it socialism? Fine, then stop calling people who kill doctors “pro life” and torture “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

You scare me because you claim to be a fighter for minorities and the promises of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness yet do not defend the unborn. What greater minority is there than those in the womb, against whom you already have enacted more pro-abortion laws than anyone since the Roe v. Wade decision?

Did I fall asleep? Are abortions free now? Are they mandatory? Last I checked, abortion is legal, no more/no less. I know abortion is a touchy subject for a lot of people, but the fact of the matter is that Obama hasn’t been president for six months, hardly long enough to make schools teach abortion.

You scare me because you promise to defend the U.S. against all potential enemies yet pacify those harboring terrorists, fight for the rights of combative detainees, and enable the enemies of Israel.

Is Obama funneling money to the PLO? Please. Pacifying harboring terrorists, like hanging out with Musharraf right? Wait that was Bush. Like arming and training combatants to fight the Soviets? Oh wait, that was Reagan. Obama makes a speech in Cairo and you start running for the hills? How are transferring prisoners from some Podunk holding facility to one of the most heavily fortified prisons in the world fighting for their rights?

You scare me because you deny America's Judeo-Christian heritage before other countries of the world, espousing "the promise of a secular nation" during an age in which religious revisionism is on the rise. (Thank God for Rep. Randy Forbes, R-Va., and others like him, who even now are trying to preserve America's religious history by proposing the passage of a bill that would create "America's Spiritual Heritage Week." Call or write your representative today to support it.)

Whether or not “The Founding Fathers” were religious doesn’t matter, what does matter is that they were all indeed secularists. Just because the population of the country is primarily Judeo-Christian does not change the fact that we are a secular nation. That’s not a bad thing.

You scare me because your media team (including the mainstream media) seeks to label as radical, quarantine socially or in some way penalize any opposing conservative voices (such as conservative talk show hosts, news agencies, columnists and actors, such as Jon Voight).

The Dixie Chicks and Bill Maher send their best. Look I get it, for more than 8 years conservatives hacks have been able to get away with saying any stupid stuff they vomited up the night before without anybody calling you out, but that’s changed. America has changed, and after 8 years of Bush, the public is starting to not buy a lot of the crap that ya’ll have been feeding you, with out comes the mainstream media. There really is no such thing as a liberal media, or a conservative media in the mainstream it is only what makes money. Obama’s hot now, damn hot, so he’s what sells. That’s that..oh whatchamacallems…oh yeah free market thingys that you conservatives are so hot and bothered about.

Sincerely, Chuck Norris


Chuck, seriously, legitimate disagreement is one thing, but fear? Be serious, it’s this sort of idiotic pandering to people’s base emotions that prevents people from engaging in any sort of serious political discussion. You and your ilk are obviously not interested in any sort of serious political discussion, just rehashed talking points. You’d rather find the next slogan to put on a t-shirt than actually provide any sort of coherent argument. Is it really any wonder the whole world is laughing at you?

As I’ve said time and time again, I welcome debate and discussion, what pisses me off is that these idiots on the right (I’m not saying the left is as pure as the driven snow) take what could be a great opportunity to have an actual discussion, but instead would rather be the next “guy” in the party. It’s any wonder why so many people view politics as a no touch subject for conversation, because once people run out of slogans and bumper sticker quotes they are left with a shell that could have been a solid argument.

So be afraid of Obama because he flew to Cairo or is might just actually put some working regulations on things that have long run rampant. One of Lou Pritchett’s biggest gripes was that Obama wants more government control than private control. What the hell have they had for decades, and look what happened, the bottom fell out. The solution may not be rubber banding all the way to the left (like I’d like) but doing nothing is not a solution.

Free market doesn’t mean zero regulations; a small government doesn’t mean ZERO government. Look at that, middle grounds, grey areas, maybe if we stopped trying to think of the next clever way for the powers that be to ignore us and actually started talking to one another, we’d at least know where we’re both coming from, maybe find some common ground.

Right, I promise the politcal rants will be scarce and we can go back to what I KNOW is your favorite topic, Electric Wizard. Coming Soon


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